The Jest Book: The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, compiled by Mark Lemon. Published 1865.

Thanks to Christine D. for post-processing this project!

Bookp(h)ile

Dr. Aldrich, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for drinking:–

“Good wine, a friend, or being dry,
Or lest you should be by and by,
Or any other reason why.”

To make this condiment your poet begs
The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;
Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,
Smoothness and softness to the salad give;
Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,
And, half-suspected, animate the whole.
Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,
Distrust the condiment that bites too soon;
But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,
To add a double quantity of salt.
And, lastly, o’er the flavored compound toss
A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.
O green and glorious!–O herbaceous treat!
’Twould tempt the dying anchorite to eat;
Back to the world he’d turn his fleeting soul,
And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!
Serenely full, the epicure would say,
“Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!”

The copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:–

“He is,” says she, “an abhorred, barbarous, capricious, detestable, envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal, ill-natured, jealous, keen, loathsome, malevolent, nauseous, obstinate, passionate, quarrelsome, raging, saucy, tantalizing, uncomfortable, vexatious, abominable, bitter, captious, disagreeable, execrable, fierce, grating, gross, hasty, malicious, nefarious, obstreperous, peevish, restless, savage, tart, unpleasant, violent, waspish, worrying, acrimonious, blustering, careless, discontented, fretful, growling, hateful, inattentive, malignant, noisy, odious, perverse, rigid, severe, teasing, unsuitable, angry, boisterous, choleric, disgusting, gruff, hectoring, incorrigible, mischievous, negligent, offensive, pettish, roaring, sharp, sluggish, snapping, snarling, sneaking, sour, testy, tiresome, tormenting, touchy, arrogant, austere, awkward, boorish, brawling, brutal, bullying, churlish, clamorous, crabbed, cross, currish, dismal, dull, dry, drowsy, grumbling, horrid, huffish, insolent, intractable, irascible, ireful, morose, murmuring, opinionated, oppressive, outrageous, overbearing, petulant, plaguy, rough, rude, rugged, spiteful, splenetic, stern, stubborn, stupid, sulky, sullen, surly, suspicious, treacherous, troublesome, turbulent, tyrannical, virulent, wrangling, yelping dog-in-a-manger.”

The Jest Book (published 1865), by the editor of Punch Magazine Mark Lemon, contains 1,711 Punch-quality humorous stories, poems, and epigrams. Here are a few…

LXV.–A LATE EDITION.

It was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the manuscript of a friend, the answer, “That it would be read when Homer and Virgil were forgotten, but not till then.”

LXXV.–EPIGRAM.

LXXXI.–A GRAVE DOCTOR.

Counsellor Crips being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company, a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his surprise where he could be gone to. “Oh,” says the counsellor, “he is but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his old patients.”

CXXV.–IN SUSPENSE.

The sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives not upon the branches, but under them. He moves suspended, rests suspended, sleeps suspended, and passes his life in suspense,–like a young clergyman distantly related to a bishop.

See what I mean? Punch quality.